Be advised...

When I set out to write about my experiences in law enforcement, I vowed to do something edgy. Something hard-hitting that would set the world on its ear, as I single-handedly exposed the trials and tribulations endured throughout a career behind the badge. I alone would be the champion of police officers everywhere as I broke down barriers and raised awareness to the plight of those men and women in blue. The God fearing members of society sworn to protect and serve while braving the elements day in and day out, only to find their investigations stymied by bloated politicians, or suffering the abuse of misdirected wrath delivered at the hands of ungrateful citizens all while dodging the pitfalls of alleged corruption and the morass of departmental politics...

But then I thought better of it.

I mean really, what’s the point? There is nothing I can possibly say that hasn’t already been said a hundred times over. And there’s no possible way that a hack like me can compete with the likes of Deborah Locke, Peter Maas, Robert Graysmith and Graeme McLagan. Seriously, have you ever read any of their stuff? I mean, C’mon it’s all so…so clear, so concise, so revealing.

If you’re familiar with the ramblings of my work, you know that clear and concise ain’t my style.

So I started doing some thinking. Out of character, I know, but be that as it may, those thoughts began to ricochet around inside my brain housing group, narrowly missing neurons and dodging grey matter before eventually impacting with some serious soul searching. Once the smoke cleared, I realized that in my years acting as a “high-speed, low-drag”, narcotics investigator extraordinaire I had experienced some “stuff” and I had seen some “things”. Maybe nothing as ruthless as The Shield, but not quite as wholesome as Mayberry R.F.D. either.

Hadn’t I cut my teeth in the back alleys and ghettos of Southeast Louisiana’s reptilian underbelly? Hadn’t I had my fair share of brushes with Death’s cold, clawed grasp? Hadn’t I accumulated some pretty cool stories in the process? Yer darn tootin’ I had…The problem I was now faced with was how could I share my daring deeds in an innovative style, packaging them in such a way as to make myself look really, really cool in the process all while maintaining the integrity of the incidents in question by describing them in complete honesty?

It could be done, couldn’t it? Nah… probably not if I wanted to keep that whole “honesty” thing.

Then, out of the blue, it hit me…after I located and identified what it was, I picked the damn thing up and sent the kids to bed. A few minutes later, after calming down and nursing a sore head, I had an epiphany.

Of the stories that I can share in mixed company, my favorites usually involve those things a cop would never speak of outside “the circle of trust”. I’m not talking about anything that could possibly land anybody in federal court (at least I don’t think so…hmm… No, no I think we’re good). I’m talking about all those stories that we claim “happened to a guy I know”. You know the type; embarrassing, oftentimes ludicrous incidents that a good partner would promise never to divulge (or at least have the common courtesy to hold over your head until after retirement), only to have them resurface after a couple of rounds at the local FOP lodge, exaggerated and colorfully narrated blow by horrible blow to fellow cops who guffaw at your pain. We’re talking about the good stuff that makes it all worthwhile.

Contrary to popular belief, Law Enforcement Officers/Officials (hereafter LEO’s) are like every other cybernetically engineered mega-human out there. And, while most share the "us versus everybody else" mentality typical of other demigods throughout time, those of us lucky enough to have been a part of that brother/sisterhood don't think we're really all that much better than everyone else...except for firemen. Fortunately for me, most LEO’s, (unless of course they’re one of the few practicing a strict regimen of regularly administered 2x4 enemas) have wonderful senses of humor, with this caveat; most of the stuff they find funny might seem a little disturbing to most. Like the “tombstone” humor of ER nurses (most of which are absolutely nutso) and trauma surgeons (add intellect to insanity), cops have their own brand of offbeat wit… let’s call it “Slap (you-with-a-night) stick” comedy.

Shows like Reno 911 and movies like Police Academy are perfect examples of what I’m talking about. And while most people think they’re Hollywood’s way of discrediting law enforcement, most of those movies have former police officers on the payroll as consultants. If you were one of the few people unfortunate enough to drop ten bucks seeing Super Troopers, chances are, the big guy seated against the back wall of the theater laughing his head off was probably packing a concealed weapon and (hopefully) carrying a badge.

Don’t get me wrong, movies like Training Day, Serpico or The Departed are still considered by many to be the preferred method of getting ones self pumped up prior to a weekend on duty; but, if you were to ask your local flatfoot what their favorite cop flick is, nine out of ten times it’ll be a comedy. Humor is a known psychological defense mechanism and most cops use it in order to cope with the pressures built up after a shift of dealing with the dregs of humanity. Trust me when I say that kind of stress is not easily relieved by anything short of laughing hysterically or sobbing uncontrollably… and, sans the presence of a lone bagpipe wailing on a distant hilltop, cops seldom cry.

(Side note: speaking from personal experience, no cop, other than a rookie, will ever admit to watching Cops. It’s the equivalent of a plumber heading home after a hard days work and watching “This Olde Septic Tank”. You could literally transpose any of your local Sheriff’s Office or Police Department’s frequent flyers into any episode over the last twenty years and they would fit right in…mullets, bandanas and parachute pants included. And while it does have a certain Jerry Springer-esque entertainment value to it, it is more or less a tutorial in what not to do in law enforcement.)

So, (all) that being said, a lot of the guys and gals out there patrolling a district have some real doozies that they may, or may not, be willing to share, depending, of course, on how well they know you and whether or not you’re buying the next round. Fortunately for you, good reader, I’ve decided to let the crime scene tape droop a bit and allow you to toe the thin blue line as I share a few of my favorite stories with you. The first one I call “Nekked”…which I will post shortly after this teaser.